A penny for my thought #2

I sometimes am truly amused by how mess up my life is now. And now that I've read for awhile, I am able to put it in writing how it's like for me...


I love him, but yet I do not want to love him, because I know even if I love him he does not want to be with me, so what for still love him. But in love, you can't choose to suddenly just unlove someone, unless you really don't love him that much. So even if I know that I myself am able to still fight on for this relationship, I am not willing to, because he is not willing to.

I self-motivate (or delusionise if you want to put it negatively) myself whenever I feel weak. Weak in the sense where I start to miss him and start to yearn for his existence. I tell myself what I just typed above, and I would feel better. I talk like that to myself, in hopes that it would turn out to be true, in hopes that I would start truly believing that I can, and will, in the end, let him go.

Am still doing so.

Am I truly looking forward to the future? I fight that question mentally everyday.